Attachment, Trust & The Learned Emotions

    A crucial understanding for anyone taking on the parental challenge is to recognize that without adequate emotional development, certain feelings will never fully arise. Complex emotional signals are learned and must be purposefully and carefully instilled. Recall that the primary emotions of spirit, (i.e. joy, fear, anger, and sadness) combine and mingle with the local customs and beliefs to develop the learned emotions of mind. The emotions of mind include all other subtle shades of emotional feeling (i.e. guilt, confidence, hope, envy, pride, shame, remorse, etc.) These feeling signals are learned through experiential interactions with the world.

This speaks to the idea of getting married and becoming a parent at an age when full control of the emotional qualities has not yet been mastered. What is taught to the child, especially at an early age, is most often that which is best remembered.

     The emotions of mind come quite naturally when the child's needs are accommodated, so there is no huge task involved other than setting up the proper conditions. The conditions mentioned above are optimal, but in any environment where there is reasonable freedom, need-meeting opportunity, and exposure to ideas, these emotions will arise. This is why so many humans with widely varying cultural traditions have successfully learned these feelings despite the many obstacles.

When two people from differing cultural backgrounds come together to rear a child, that child is being exposed to what can and should be the best of both "worlds", providing the parents are intent on passing on the best their respective cultures have to offer.

     However, it is also why many have not. This is why some humans have not learned hope, confidence, or remorse. This is why there are often artificially created feelings of shame and guilt that drive humans to hate themselves. It is also why there are artificially created feelings of false pride, envy, fear, and anger which create emotional boundaries between groups and drive humans to hate and violate one another. Certain mental and criminal conditions spring not fully engaged. Mistrust and disengagement comes when the world does not consistently allow the needs to be met, or the feedback cycle to return to the state of fulfillment.

Parenting is probably our least taught skill. Because of the propensity to emphasize the diversity in our religious and philosophical views on morality and because of the false pride taken in those beliefs, a defined base line of child rearing is most difficult to arrive at. Yet, were the intent to be shifted to what is best for the child versus what is important to the parent, much progress could be made in this area.

     The critical concept here is trust. It shouldn't seem unreasonable for an infant to expect to be able to trust the words and actions of those in the family home or foster community, nor for loving parents or caregivers to consistently deliver. The dependent nature of humans upon one another is the Divine way. Trust is the understanding and faith in the cooperative nature of the world. This is why without a cooperative, trustworthy early environment, the spirit will simply vacate the body. Those that are born to chaotic worlds where a minimum level of cooperation does not exist, will die. Those that are not fed will starve. Those that are not handled, loved and stimulated will fail to thrive and die of loneliness. Those who must constantly compete for basic survival will lose to the "fittest" competitor.

It is said that "death finds an excuse". Sometimes those "excuses" are of a subtle, emotional nature, which we humans are yet to fully understand and appreciate.

     Thus, a basic trust that the world will respond to one's efforts is part of the Divine plan. Unfortunately, trust can be compromised and not allowed to fully develop due to inconsistent actions of parents or caregivers. Consistency is the key. Ideally every interaction would build trust, and every cycle would end with fulfillment, with only an occasional lapse. But when the cycle ends in repeated frustration more often than fulfillment, trust is compromised. Trust is also compromised when parental strategies include physical punishment for ordinary learning errors rather than corrective feedback. Violent punishment is rarely necessary within the enlightened approach. Simple removal of freedoms, time-outs, and consistent restrictions, can allow a child to recognize quite quickly that the amount of freedom and power depends upon the amount of responsibility and accountability to that freedom. Violent punishments can only emotionally confuse, negate trust, and invoke survival defenses.

Here, again, parents are prone to repeat the patterns of behavior they were subjected to as children. Those who have conducted themselves in less than enlightened ways during the child rearing period of their lives can only know regret. However, if they can impart this information on to those who are about to, or are now involved in child rearing, recompense can be made.

     Once trust is compromised it is very difficult to fully restore. The body will not let the mind forget anything that has threatened it. Without a sufficient level of trust, the individual is condemned to a life of dysfunctional relationships of a singular existence wherein self-preservationary motives undermine cooperation, communication, and intimacy. The worst outcome, however, is that a lack of trust does not allow the emotional system to fully engage, and the voice of spirit remains inaccessible.

In a society that thrives on mistrust, insecurity and fear, this conditioned lack of trust is most difficult to overcome. However, if the society can realize the value of altering itself to the benefit of those who threaten it the most, positive change can evolve.

     Many anomalies of human behavior spring from this basic lack of emotional attunement and development. Scientists have already recognized that there is an essential attachment period wherein an infant bonds with caregivers and learns to trust. This period falls within the window of opportunity of brain development to establish the relationship with the specific cultural world. Trust must enter through this window or forever be questionable or conditional. Trust is the foundation for all cooperative impulses and the precursor to hope, confidence, pride, self esteem, and faith in spirit. Trust is the assurance that one's actions will have a predictable impact, on the world. It is the foundation upon which human intimacy, communication, and cooperation exists. Without trust there can not be hope.

Trust in family, trust in businesses, trust in government are all essential to a well functioning society; and behind all of this "trust" must ultimately be truth.

     The attachment period facilitates the successful learning experience wherein the cycle of action and reaction is established, and predicts each success for future interactions. It is where one is assured of the rightful power to control and influence one's world. It is where one is assured of the Divine meaning and spiritual connection within existence. Attachment occurs through a process of repeated successful interactions between the infant and the caregiver, wherein each responds to the other's words, cues, and actions. When parents consistently respond to the needs, over time, the child begins to experience a deep, affectionate, close and lasting tie. This loving tie evidences spiritual fulfillment and the trust that the environment will continue to provide opportunity for this type of need satisfaction.

The rule should be obvious. Early experience in attachment leads to lifelong attachment, so long as a parent makes himself/herself available in times of need. The trick is to maintain the love while giving up the control.

     Over years and years of successful trust-building interactions, the child develops a healthy connectedness to the caregivers and other people that constitute this community, as well as hope for the future. Trust becomes interwoven with all mental beliefs and strategies. Eventually this connectedness will generalize to all humans. This  sense of connectedness perpetuates what we generally call "a conscience," which makes us accountable for our actions upon our loving others. It instills the understanding that we are all part of a greater spiritual whole. With conscience, a violation upon another is equal to a violation upon the self. Valid, natural guilt is when a person feels the very pain they have inflicted upon another, experiencing remorse, resolving to never repeat the violation. The mind that violated did not yet know, and the remorseful mind has learned a better approach. A mature conscience needs no external controllers whatsoever. Such a conscience is the Divine innate seed of natural morality lying dormant within each human, desired by the Creator to bloom forth.

The difference between contrived guilt and natural guilt is in whether the source of the guilt is self-created or imposed upon us from an outside source. Guilt can be used as a weapon by one person against another, as well as a method of control. But positive guilt is that which comes from within and is in triggered through empathy with those whom we have offended.

     Conversely, if a child survives being raised in a chaotic, neglectful, rejecting, or abusive environment, the message received will be that cooperation is not to be expected or relied upon. It breeds the fear-driven belief that needs cannot be consistently fulfilled, control is only intermittent and the spirit is disempowered, even violated. Since the child is powerless to alter these conditions, the spirit will continue to shout its message through feelings of anger. Since the child can not yet interpret the anger and choose a developmental or expressive response, the anger is utilized by the body to ensure self-preservation through primitive versions of the fight  or flight responses. (Remember, the body will bypass the mind if it does not hold beliefs that will ensure survival.) Competition for scarce resources, for opportunity, for need fulfillment, and for love, will dominate each thought and deed. The higher purposes of mental development and spiritual expression will always take the back seat to physical preservation. The conscience of such an individual will motivate a morality of "every man for himself."

With the above paragraph in mind, we might want to give some closer reflection to the competitive system in which we live. If cooperation          creates trust and distrust creates anger (and violence), would we, as a society, not benefit by encouraging the former and reducing the latter?

     Just as competition will be the main motivator in such cases, the predominant feeling will be anger. The anger can be expressed in one of two directions. The child can turn it inward toward himself, by choosing to accept the limitations of the world, effacing the spirit and losing touch with his needs. Strategies of self-deprecation, learned helplessness, martyrdom, and self-hatred can become enduring personality traits. Such a choice can lead to an ultimate state of depression or even dissociation and the dependence upon escapism from the ongoing spiritual pain. Compulsions, addictions and self-destructive behaviors can then occur. Suicide is the ultimate act of internally directed anger.

The road between internally directed anger and ultimate self-destruction is usually long enough for most people to observe and correct it. Understanding the source of this anger is a first step in that process of correction.

     The other option is for the child to reject the conditions and turn the anger outward in explosive or violent acts that can be quite anti-social, if not pathological. He might never develop trust, conscience, remorse, nor connectedness to his fellow human beings. Never being able to achieve intimacy or love outside the family, or to build support networks, this child (and eventually this adult) will be quite capable of acts that effectively cultured people would perceive as unconscionable or evil. Most such acts would be misguided competitive attempts to meet needs in some manner or simply express the pent-up anger. Murder is the ultimate act of externally directed anger. The effect upon the world of such an individual will be most damaging. The effect upon mass consciousness of such individuals will be the mass belief that humans must be controlled by society. Thus, all social controls (i.e. rules, mores, religious dictates, laws, and prisons) have arisen due to this condition.

Each time a violent act (such as murder) is committed, society feels obliged to stifle it's own freedom of expression. Eventually, the decision to substitute total security for any degree of freedom will lead to tyranny. Examining the roots of aggressive anger can help us to understand and avoid a destiny of spiritual decadence.

     It is essential for individuals and societies to understand the critical nature of this early period and to accommodate and ensure paternal efforts to adequately complete this bonding period. For a child who is not attached to others, cannot fully hear the voice of spirit. Such a child will suffer continuous emotional problems and lack the compunctions of conscience, necessary in a cooperative world. Anything less will breed criminals and other social outcasts, doomed to a future of alienation, isolation, retribution, and pain. Creating trust-building conditions is not a difficult task. In fact, it takes quite a bit to disallow the trust to develop, yet far too much neglect and abuse still exists.

In the past, welfare regulations established an environment that penalized recipients who allowed a parent (usually the father) to occupy the same household, while rewarding the other parent (the mother) for having more children. This often reduced the time the mother could devote to each child, while being deprived of the assistance of the other parent. The consequences of this "state" are coming increasing evident as we continue to construct more prisons.

     In sum, if the foster environment does not provide opportunity for its individuals to meet their needs, human beings cannot properly develop.. Such a tragedy is quite avoidable, yet its results can drive humans to quite inhuman acts against one another. Scientists are not convinced that such misalligned people are redeemable. Yet the power of spirit can heal all wounds if given its proper voice. In fact, there are some very enlightened spirits who even, in childhood, enlist self-love, compassion, tolerance, and forgiveness who can overcome quite severe conditions of neglect and abuse. The voice of spirit is loudest and most clear in such hearty children even if a minimal connection is allowed. But once disconnection occurs, an effort to reverse the condition requires intensive long-term restructuring of the entire mental realm.

It may turn out that the best environment for correcting this wayward course of life, lies in the prisons we continue to place these alienated people in, and the best people to help with this correction are those who are, themselves, the inhabitants.

     However, this is not to say that children should be molly-coddled and that parents should jump at their every whim. Indeed, there is a very important difference between needs and wants. If the environment is unchallenging and over-accommodating, the child will be robbed of developmental opportunities. Emotional signals of boredom and contrived annoyance will then arise. Or, if the freedoms offered or challenges undertaken are more than the child is equipped to handle, anxiety and fear will be elicited. Both broad and safe boundaries must be defined and maintained.

The act of simply loading down a child with every stimulating toy the child asks for or the parent is motivated to buy, can result in the opposite result as that which is intended. There are times when parents have to say "No", for the sake of their children and their own pocketbooks.

     In this case, other kinds of emotional problems will result. Such unrealistic expectations can become firmly rooted maladaptive beliefs which also generate feelings of anger. This would be the case of the "spoiled brat" who lashes out in tantrums against a world that is not immediately accommodating all whims and wants. Indulgent conditions can instill false pride, vanity, envy, and hubris. Such a child has developed a very unrealistic view of the world, which may set them up for a big fall in other, more challenging or dangerous environments.

There is a difference between unlimited freedom to have everything one wants and intelligent expression of desires. The former leads to eventual self-destruction. The latter leads to growth and fulfillment.

     Essentially, parents could achieve a balance by providing opportunity to accommodate all human needs, and offering the tools to the child to develop skills to attain his or her wants. With age, the children should be increasingly responsible to meet their needs themselves. Genuine pride and esteem are the natural rewards for such developmental successes.

This is the positive guideline which, in the end, contributes to the benefit of society, as a whole.

Cultural Manipulation of The Emotional System

     The latter example calls attention to the fact that culture can taint feeling. It is crucial also for parents to understand how the emotional system can become entangled with the local values, truths, and activities of the culture. All emotions---even the emotions of  spirit---can be affected and elicited simply by the contents of mind. (Remember, feelings help the mind to learn. Any cultural truth will work unless it violates a natural one or conflicts with another). This is why the rules of response require looking first to mind before looking to the outside world for needed changes. Anything the mind chooses to believe goes, and takes on positive emotion as a gem, until it is proven otherwise by spirit. As conditions change in the world, such beliefs are meant to give way to improvements. Instead, they can linger and cause pain. If not discovered, similar slivers will be added, building upon the faulty foundation, creating complex belief systems which ensure disempowerment. An imagined limitation is every bit as emotion-invoking as a real one. Imagined demons can elicit powerful self-preservationary responses upon innocent others.

Dogmas of religion, for example, that tend to put limitations upon free will, are able to slip in as slivers when the established content of our beliefs is completely turned over to the outside world. This is known as blind faith and once control is accepted by one institution (such as religion), other institutions (such as government) will move to taken advantage of the easily controllable.

     Thus, the most important implication is that parents understand that what they teach will take on emotional flavor. The primary challenge is to turn on the inner voice of spirit within the child. The secondary challenge is to minimize the passing on of any beliefs which go against spirit. Instead of being understood as an internal control and advisor, emotion has often been used by parents in ways intended to impart external advice and control. Parents should avoid such emotional manipulation in every way. Although punishment remains a primary strategy of parenting, it should now be apparent that fear and anger should not be motivators while parenting. Adjusting the boundaries of freedom and level of parental intervention to match the level of responsibility and accountability is the key. But one emotion in particular has been used as a time-honored tool of such manipulation and deserves special mention.

Making this shift of behavior will require most humans in parental roles to move beyond the beliefs they were taught by their own parents and make that paradigm leap to a new level of understanding. The whole process of doing this has been outlined earlier and the motivation, if not previously explained to sufficiency, will most certainly follow.

A Word About Guilt

This is the emotion of guilt. It is a common practice in many, if not all, social systems to set behavioral rules and codes to which a member must conform. A connected and healthy individual will then experience guilt if their actions do not conform to the rules.

So we can conclude by the above, that "guilt" is an essential quality of a society that imposes its rules of behavior upon its members. This, of course, is guidance from a source outside of ourselves. Once we are able to shift to internal guidance, guilt should go the way of error.

     Guilt is intended to help the mind find conflicting beliefs that go against the needs and workings of spirit. It is intended to point out where the action choices have not aligned with the beliefs and values. It is intended to be used to elevate the needs of spirit above the unnecessary limits of local tradition. Guilt is not necessarily indicative of an active conscience. People can learn to attach guilt to virtually any activity judged to be unacceptable by their local society. Guilt often exposes an inner motivator that is simply more powerful than the external controller. The intended message of guilt is to straighten out the priorities and to drop any rules that are limiting to the needs of spirit---often exactly the opposite of its culturally implied meaning.

The difference between what "guilt" is intended to do and what it ultimately results in, is evidence of what can go wrong when such an emotion is placed in the hands of those more enamored with power than spiritual development. But when in place as an internal guide, it can alert a person to the spiritual impropriety of adopted rules and practices. Had German citizens been listening to their inner guidance, the holocaust might have been prevented.

     But guilt has become a powerful manipulative tool which pits humans against their nature to the end of perpetuating certain cultural traditions, mores, and rules. Guilt is one of the most powerful tools of religion. Thus, feeling guilty has become a routinely accepted part of human existence. An enlightened mind never accepts external dictates, ideas, or "truths" which dishonor or reject internal (physical and spiritual) needs.

Sometimes, even nationalism, when robbed of the institutional rules that guarantee the responsible exercise of free will, will become akin to pseudo-religion. Governments than lay "guilt trips" upon citizens who decline to support a particular policy, i.e. an immoral war.

     Yet guilt is rampant and often compounded by another emotion of mind---shame. Guilt and shame are often associated with normal bodily drives and functions. Some local traditions adopt extremely limiting and rigid beliefs which institutionalize shame. For example, a belief exists known as "feminine shame" wherein an entire sex is taught to be ashamed of their very bodies. A web of customs is built around the "dirtiness" of being female, complete with body coverings, subservient behavior, and a rank status below that of males, and even the acceptance of violation and abuse---a web which entraps and disempowers any spirit born into a female form. Each tradition is empowered by institutionalized guilt.

To greater or lesser degrees, this condition exists in most, so called, civilized societies today. In societies where "feminine shame" did not exist, westerners sent missionaries to establish it.

     A more generalized guilt has been established throughout many local communities regarding sexuality. Human sexuality is a Divine gift, the ultimate act of mental, physical, and spiritual connection between humans in the flesh. It is such a powerful force that almost every society believes that external control must be placed upon humans lest all sexual hell break loose. Sex has taken this bad rap due to the self-preservationary responses. Like any joyful or pleasurable experience, it can become a compulsion if used as an escape, or a violation if used to seize power or vent aggression. But like any natural process, when allowed to work in concert with all three purposes, human sexuality needs no external limits. Instead, children should enjoy an open, respectful, anticipatory understanding of the natural beauty and divinity of sexuality---in whatever form the          spirit has chosen---balancing the joys of spiritual, physical pleasurable communion of flesh with the responsibilities of health and procreation.

The puritan influence present in the establishment of the country is still firmly in place, to the point of invoking punishment upon those whose conduct strays beyond the legal boundaries of proper sexual mores and choices, even into the privacy of one's own bedroom.

     The bottom line is that most guilt and shame is unnecessary. Parents must pay particular attention to guard against the perpetuation of any cultural directive that pits the mind against the needs and purposes of body and spirit. The only durable cultural truths are those that allow all purposes to work together. A child should be made          aware of the Divine nature of the body, its processes, and its needs, and never to feel guilt or shame over the physical form. Any such cultural assumptions should be soundly rejected. (This goes for any and every religious dictate that instills guilt over any naturally ordained Divine process. Any such assertion defies the intention of the Creator it claims to serve).

Struggling out of an established environment of decadent practices will likely result in pitting one generation against another, as those freeing themselves from burdens such as "guilt" will also move beyond the institutions that have for so long used such methods of control. 

     And finally, parents must resist the temptation to utilize guilt as a mechanism of control. Such a strategy is not only doomed to failure, but it perpetuates needless pain. Mechanisms of external social control are not necessary when the social system has been designed according to the voice of spirit. Forgiveness is the key in learning situations. Errors signal opportunity to learn. Any actions of the child which elicit feelings of remorse should be interpreted as those of spirit asking for integrity, accountability, and consistency between thought and action. Parental faith, compassion, and forgiveness allow any missteps to be kept in proper perspective and the child to use this information to further develop the mind.

A child raised with the best of guidelines listed above, will naturally gravitate toward an environment where the consequential qualities will blossom and have a positive effect on the world around him/her.

      Such a parental approach will foster the faith, compassion and forgiveness of self that are necessary for any human to thrive and creatively express self in the chaotic world of daily trial and error learning. Indeed, it will be those who reconnect with spirit and follow its urgings who will change the very world. Thus, it is essential for each enlightened one to ensure the enlightened perspective is carried forth throughout subsequent generations. Therefore, the paternal role in inculcation is a particularly important one.

For those of us who are beyond the parental stage in life, it behooves us to recognize the spiritual value of what has been conveyed in these Lessons and be prepared to share the information when an opportunity presents itself, as it surely will.

     In sum, the role of parents can profoundly influence the incoming spirit. Thus, some primary conditional prerequisites for anyone choosing to be a parent are: the understanding of the importance of the parental role, the lifetime commitment to the child, the ability to provide a safe, accommodating environment, essential need-meeting opportunities, enlightened self-understanding, a network of family and community support, the faith in the integrity of the spirit, a faith in the divinity of life's natural thrust, and a wellspring of pure spiritual, unconditional love. Once adequate inculcation has been attained, the human is then ready to pursue a lifelong course of  development, which we can now discuss.

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